Chewbacca's Domain

Social Graphing

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 01:43:12 GMT

A friend of mine, chimerically found a neat social graphic application and wrote about her results. Secretly I've been meaning to draw something similar, and the Nexus application in Facebook made it incredibly easy.

So here is my social graph:

The first thing I notice is how interconnected everyone happens to be from high school. At the same time, there's a fairly large disconnect between them and a lot of my other clusters. In the progression of life, it lead to the fairly sparsely-populated field of LBCC friends. Some of them ended up transferring with Berkeley, and those friendships solidifed and converted a little more.

Noteworthy Observations:

- The distinct clusters and poorly connected clusters respresenting my Berkeley social network during the 2004-05 academic year, and the proceeding ones. My brief and failed attempt at being a member of the Berkeley Ballroom team was largely responsible, I would imagine.

- The separation between dormmates and general Berkeley friends.

- The *very* distinct groups between Berkeley friendships and many people I hung out with socially in San Francisco.

- The interconnectedness of my San Francisco and New York contacts remains very strong to this day.

- There's a huge separation between work and social acquaintences.

- My Chicago adventure in January 2005 forms a neat little pentagram in the middle of nowhere. :)

Yup, I knew my life was fragmented. This merely proves it. With the exception of the Chicago and the Caltech cliques, I'm actually loosely connected to the rest of them to this day, and have a hard time integrating everyone into a coherent whole.

Boston, Journeys, and other Plans

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 03:12:03 GMT

Unlike a few years ago when I thought I was going to visit a bunch of East Coast cities for Spring Break, and then whittling the list down to New York and Boston, only to basically never leave NYC, I’m finally heading to Boston. It’ll be my first, true vacation since graduating a year ago. This Labour Day, the girlfriend and I will be checking out the various sights and attractions, hopefully not coming off as flaming tourists along the way.

We already have several possible suggestions planned out, including visiting several landmarks, walking along the Freedom Trail, checking out Boston Commons, the top of the Prudential building, and visiting Harvard and MIT. With any luck, perhaps some people I know from the past will be in the area, providing an excellent opportunity to catch up. Transportation will be provided by Amtrak, also allowing the opportunity to see some of the landscape along the way.

It seems a lot easier, and something I’d get more out of than simply dragging the girlfriend back to California for an otherwise awkward trip. My hometown isn’t very accessible without a car; while it’s possible to go places, it definitely doesn’t compare to what a major city has to offer. Furthermore, its nightlife seems rather nonexistent, unless one’s fortunate enough to have a tightly-knit entourage of friends to go everywhere. So, instead of visiting home this summer, I’m making plans to come back during winter, probably alone. Besides, I’ll truly appreciate the break from freezing weather back here, and probably cut the trip expenses several-fold.

In other news, I’m still feeling like I’m in a rut. The last several weeks have inspired taking a fresh look at graduate schools. Right now, I’m considering the best career move would be to continue on towards some sort of business degree. One such possibility would be applying for the MBA, but I’m also considering a few other options such as a Masters in Systems Management. The problem is I don’t have a very clear understanding what’s entailed by the two different courses, and how those skills transfer between job functions and industries. While I’m definitely seeking in-depth knowledge that stands out, I’m still sceptical about specialising in any particular role at this point. Until I can feel the next few years out, I don’t feel compelled to become an absolute expert, but only in one very narrow field. I’m looking at classes at NYU, perhaps as a non-matriculated student.

One possibility Is to sample a few courses to figure out whether I enjoy management. However, the academic in me loathes the possibility of taking courses without receiving some form of meaningful credit. At this point, I have more questions than answers, and they’ll probably have to be resolved by speaking with some admissions counsellors to discuss career goals. I hate the feel offing of standing still, being held back, or whatever condition that inhibits in the near-to-intermediate term. I spent too much time at Berkeley; I’d like to make up for the lost effort.

Exciting, huh?

The Brand of Me

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 03:07:51 GMT

Not owning a TV for the last several years has made it rather difficult to stay abreast on current events. Nonetheless, one guilty pleasure is to watch Comedy Central’s original programming as much as possible. For news, I’d rather not watch the standard, boring news foretelling impending doom – at least, not without a comedic twist. Therefore, I rely heavily on John Stewart and Stephen Colbert for my information.

Originally, I thought Stephen Colbert was the more amusing of the two. Lately, I think his antics have become a bit much. It really boils down to his character as an unabashed narcissist; yet, what makes him so successful is probably that he resonates well with the “Brand of Me” culture ubiquitous amongst the up-and-coming Yuppie crowd.

For artists, authors, and others who rely on their creative talent and branding to be successful, creating an image and putting it out to the world is essential. Therefore, I can respect figures such as Stephen Colbert jumping at every opportunity to have everything under the sun named after him (even an entire species – of spider). What makes his character less amusing, however, is the advice that’s dished out to young professionals about creating this own “brand” of uniqueness to set themselves apart from the crowd.

As such, I feel like an outdated traditionalist past his time. In most settings, there’s absolutely no requirement to try to express unbridled individuality at every moment. While useful in some settings, people aren’t all that much different from each other. Individual circumstances may vary, but for the vast majority of people, there isn’t much about one particular person that sets him apart from the crowd. This isn’t to say that people don’t differ – each person has a unique connection of talents, virtues, and shortcomings; but to think of one person as radically different from the next is fallacious.

If given the opportunity, people can do incredible things to rise to the challenge. For every Stephen Colbert, there’s probably a dozen New Yorkers who could put on his act just as well as he. However, by patience, luck, and his personality, he managed to become a cultural icon.

For those of us who aren’t such icons, such rugged individualism is downright obnoxious outside of the artistic domain. The “artistic license” ends the moment the cameras go off, the pen / paintbrushes are put down, and the instruments are stowed away. While designated areas are appropriate for expressing one’s individuality, life, in general, is not a stage – but an opportunity to work together.

With so many people indoctrinated that they’re unique snowflakes, such influences should also hang the “de-motivational poster” disclaimer (“just like everyone else”) to preserve a little humility. While narcissism may call attention to oneself, it doesn’t win respect. Unless a person really can accomplish everything they set out for in life alone, it’s a dangerous and lonesome road upon which to embark. Not all of us are Howard Roark, and even if we think we are, it’s a pretty dysfunctional life full of hardship and alienation.

While self-esteem can be a protective factor that enables people to take certain risks and be shielded from a certain amount of failure, it rarely increases performance as many positive-energy-thinkers do. There is an average, and most people will fall into it upon any particular axis. Deluding ourselves to think otherwise sets us up for failure. A culture that insists that everyone ought to be in the spotlight at all times will eventually outdo itself with senseless competition. It’s near impossible to appreciate the efforts of others when focused on oneself.

By all means, It’s fine to take credit when credit’s due, but respect can be earned by wisdom and expertise gained from cooperation. While competition is useful under some circumstances, it’s not meant to cattle prod people into overdrive all the time. That’s when people ultimately burn out, self-destruct, and have to face the real dark spectre of failure without a life preserver.

That said, Stephen Colbert probably would have gotten my vote for President. Maybe.

Letting the Chips Fall

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 03:56:09 GMT

Maybe I should try blogging more, even if the majority of it has been protected to a select list of friends. After speaking with an old acquaintance, one who blogs frequently, reminded me that sometimes the whole point of blogging is to have a written record of past memories. That made me think, now that I’ve been here for nearly a year, it seems I haven’t recorded much at all.

I’d like to be able to see into the future and know how the next few months will play out, as they’re central for making plans that require discussion today. The idea of taking a vacation was raised, and the debate’s mostly been between visiting California in the summertime or winter. The choices include my girlfriend and I visiting my family and friends towards the end of August, or perhaps I would fly back during the winter solo. In the event of the latter, a trip to a more local destination, like Boston, would be in place for a late-summer escapade. At this point, I think we’re leaning towards Plan B.

The Fourth of July weekend turned out to be fairly exciting. In fact, the couple weeks leading up to it were full of adventure, in sometimes almost convincing me that it’s almost too much to handle (it’s not). The extra day and a half prepended to the weekend had the effect of making like it were an entire week. We had an excellent All-You-Can-Eat and Drink sushi dinner on Thursday night at Ashiya, in the East Village. It was also the first positive experience I’ve had with MEETin for a very long time. There were actually some new, interesting people to talk converse with, so much as one friend commented about me that, “Wow, he actually looks awake tonight!” in reference to me. (Do I really appear that burned out? He wouldn’t be the only person to observe so.)

On Friday, we had most of the day to ourselves. We headed over to the UWS for brunch and to run some errands. My watch battery also went caput that morning, so I had a fun time trying to find a dealer that was open that could fix it on a holiday. (Thankfully, Tourneau was open, but the first place didn’t have the right battery in stock.) We headed over to Murray Hill and watched the fireworks from Sami’s mother’s balcony overlooking the East River. Last year, we also went there, but managed to throw together a small party. This year, the two of us were the only invited guests. We ended up crashing the party next door and had an uncharacteristically good time. The night wasn’t without its own set of drama, but thankfully it wasn’t really between Sami and me. It turns out her next door neighbours are fairly important figures in the music industry, once again reminding me how shameful I am not to keep up with my practice. I was somewhat hoping to hold off on purchasing a digital piano until after a few more months, but I may end up wearing down and going for it a bit sooner.

Saturday and Sunday were mostly spent relaxing, but Sunday had a brunch event that we were sort of thrown into organizing, and had its own snafus. It reminds me how much of hassle it must be to regularly host large events. One spends an inordinate amount of time finding a venue, keeping everyone on the same page, only to be given crappy service and paying through the nose for it, finishing off to be left holding the bill in the end. It turns out the food was okay, but the manager had been misinformed (not by us) about the size and the intentions of our party, and thus he didn’t stock the kitchen appropriately. Lesson learned – don’t assume anyone else’s responsibilities, for it’s likely a thankless job that will turn out worse than planned.

Today also marks my first anniversary at my current job. As I’ve joked around with a few people, it basically means that I’m able to crawl around and mutter a few vocabulary words. While this year may still be quite a phenomenal learning experience, the Terrible Twos are headed my way sooner than I can blink. Amazing how quickly time goes, and yet, surprisingly, it’s quite fascinating to realize how much I have actually picked up along the way without realising. Within the last few months, a light-bulb or two must have turned on.

Life is Short

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 02:02:27 GMT

Last night, my family called to inform me that my best friend from elementary school had passed away last night. He was my next-door neighbour while I lived in Long Beach. His girlfriend found him unconscious in his apartment and called the paramedics, but they were unable to revive him.

Even though we haven't spoken much over the last several years, I'm at a loss of words. One doesn't expect these things to happen to people at this stage in their life.

I haven't heard many details related to the cause of death, but he had been suffering from some serious health conditions for some time. It doesn't make things easier.

Another Manhattan, Please...

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 02:51:42 GMT

As it turns out, I'll be sticking around New York for my next project. All is well, as the suspense with having the list of possible destinataions change on a weekly basis was beginning to be unsettling.

Besides, I'm just starting to feel like I am establishing myself here. It'd be a shame to leave in such a hurry.

A toast, perhaps?

Job Well-Done

Fri, 23 May 2008 00:53:38 GMT

Tonight marks the conclusion of the last day with my project at Cowen and Company. My “tour of duty” was extended an additional week, and while I was a little bit surprised we went over-schedule, it wasn’t a complete shock. I was the only consultant left behind chosen to deal with tying up a few loose ends, but which ends could have made or broken our relationship with them. Ironic how I, the “new guy,” ended up in that position. In all, I’m quite honoured, it hasn’t quite hit home that I’m finally leaving the place.

The most difficult challenge I ended up facing as a new consultant wasn’t so much the workload, but rather managing expectations. There was absolutely no rubric upon entering this project to which I could measure myself and give a firm answer as to whether I was performing well. There were a few moments of encouragement, but the real feedback didn’t start showing up until almost the very end of the assignment. What was supposedly a “routine upgrade” turned out to be a royal pain, whilst we encountered many undocumented problems that weren’t anticipated, and which we struggled to satisfactorily resolve.

It’s hard to measure one’s output against the simple metric of, “is it working?” At least in my opinion, if the answer is “No,” there is still work to do. Furthermore, when there’s a certain deadline on which one must deliver something in a pristine state, even a minor blemish is amplified from being a mere hanging chad to a feeling like it nullifies the entire progress to date, in my opinion. When it comes to these situations, I am whole-heartedly a perfectionist. I’m extremely uneasy if something isn’t flawless. Maybe in time I’ll gain some perspective, but as it stands, it really sunk my self-confidence on a lot of days when perhaps it shouldn’t.

I should be happy. I’m free from having this project be my primary concern. I was able to pretty much resolve any problems they were aware of, and therefore I can rest peacefully. There’s a minor problem that remains yet unsolved, but it’s not likely to have rested on our shoulders anyway – it’s a problem that’s almost entirely beyond our control, so we think. Therefore, I must let go…

Several of the Cowen project managers and QA staff treated me to lunch yesterday, and seemed genuinely sad to see me leave this afternoon. They pretty much assured me if they required any further assistance from our department, I’ll be at the top of their “to-call” list.

Even though I think most of us broke out the metaphorical champagne glasses last weekend, and I was pretty much paid the highest complement a consultant could, I was still very nervous this week. While I didn’t necessarily want to leave, I knew that my presence was a favour. However, should any new problems arise, it was my sole responsibility to take over the expertise of the other two team members who worked on very different subsystems. I could only pray that something major wouldn’t break, and a few unforeseen problems did arise. Thankfully, they turned out to be quite minor, but they could have been much bigger.

I think I must have a problem. Sometimes, I have absolutely no confidence in my work. I worry about things that are entirely beyond my control, and even when there are precautions I can take, I’m constantly second-guessing myself. Perhaps that’s the problem with being a scientist – one can never prove anything, except in math. Theories can only be disproven. It doesn’t matter if things have been going wonderfully for the last few weeks, for who knows what the future holds?

Now I return to our company’s main office, where I basically sit in a holding pattern waiting to hear about my new assignment. Still, in spite of the many cities that have been mentioned, nothing’s official. Companies are always looking for a way to cut costs, and that many times involves delaying projects from starting, changing their location, length, or scope. With the exception of my previous team-mates and project manager, I don’t think anyone within the company has a clue what I accomplished. It’s back to the drawing board with a clean slate, and I only hope that people remember everything come my year-end review in little more than a month.

A part of me feels like celebrating, yet there’s really nobody I can call to hang out with on a moment’s notice. So here I am, writing. Is this the life of a businessman?
Speaking of which, the stream-of-consciousness session is time address another friend’s remark. While I commonly enjoyed the person’s companionship at Berkeley, sometimes I really think she can be off the mark. We were conversing online the other evening, and I was telling her a little bit about how things were going, including the success I’ve had tutoring after work. In spite of everything, she her positive feedback was subdued by her qualification of, “you have to have the entrepreneurial spirit.” Perhaps I have to add this person to my list of overprotective friends who really underestimate my abilities, especially when this is a service I’ve provided for over six years, about a venture which success has only been limited by my free time. Several months ago, she discouraged me from considering an MBA programme, in spite of the fact that my company would probably pay for most of the tuition, simply because she didn’t think I had “the right personality” or “leadership skills.” What she fails to understand is that there are many highly effective leadership styles, and even while I’m not going out there trying to show off my influence at every moment, few people who’ve ever worked with me would question those abilities. I usually don’t start becoming an outspoken leader in a project unless I’m almost absolutely certain I’ll succeed. Until then, I’m happy letting other people shine. Even if a project’s success relies heavily on me, I’m careful to let others have room for their input and to have a chance to shine.

If that weren’t enough, now I’m more curious than ever to learn about how to use the stock market to my advantage. There’s just a daunting bit of information to keep track of; I have no idea how I’ll be able to analyse anything and make solid choices. I doubt I’ll do very much to invest directly in the market until I’m confident that I know how to make informed decisions, so I’ll just allow my current mutual fund picks (with paltry balances) work for me in the interim. However, it’d be nice to learn how to do something that quite frankly so many people seem to know a great deal about. I’ve signed up for a free stock-market game on Investopedia that gives me the ability to manage $100,000 at the start. The last two days have been dismal failures, but who knows, maybe I’ll learn something eventually. The people who do best at the game seem to conduct a great deal of options trading. Now, more than ever, I feel compelled to pick one of my friend’s brains and know how it’s done…

Why does it really matter? Beyond the personal finance reasons, I’d like to honestly know how people use my company’s software. It’s ridiculous to know how to set it up properly, test it out, but not know how people trading millions of shares each day use it. If anything, it’ll help me speak to traders down the road, which can be a pretty demanding bunch. It’s hard to find one with any technical knowledge, as it’s difficult to find a technical person with any business knowledge. Eventually, I’d like to change that about myself.

Damn, I really am a Yuppie.

Next Stop? Who Knows!?

Wed, 07 May 2008 01:54:59 GMT

My first major rollout at work happens this weekend, assuming no disaster strikes between now and Friday. After a few months of work, and biting our nails for the last two weeks, it’s beginning to look like our middleware trading platform is going to go live. In spite of the late nights and Saturdays spent in the office, I think we’re all beginning to feel a bit confident that the upgrade we’ve been working very hard on will work out mostly as planned.

Which leaves the question, what’s next? Assuming the schedule doesn’t get set back, which is very likely at this point, that means I’ll only be working in my current office for another two weeks. It’s a bit of a shame, as the last couple weeks have been quite a bonding experience with our customer. It’s quite likely I’ll be working with at least one of my team members on the next project, but I’ll miss our customer’s project managers and QA staff. For financial technology experts, they’re surprisingly fun to work with.

Travel seems to be in the cards. Last week, the three of us were asked about our availability to travel to Chicago, as well as possibly San Francisco or London. Only minimal arm-twisting would be required for me to take an assignment in SF, since I already have a decent social network out there and know exactly how to get around. However, I’d hate for that to be a deciding factor, and I’d like to reside somewhere new, assuming I’d get sent away from New York. Presumably Chicago’s still the most probable destination were I to travel, but the London opportunity is intriguing. If that’s the case, I’d better get working on applying for a passport, pronto.

In spite of the girlfriend’s complaints, I’m quite excited to try something new. I love New York, but it’s rather amazing how ready I’d be to pack my bags off to somewhere new. Perhaps it’s all part of being young, which also helps explain why although I’d have no problems working in San Francisco for a few months, I’d prefer somewhere I haven’t spent much time in. Chicago’s pretty close to New York, and I spent a week there a few years ago, and I’d know I could get around easily enough. London, I imagine, would be a huge change, and there’s fear of encountering a huge culture shock.

While I would certainly miss my girlfriend, it seems that a disproportionate number of people I’ve met are headed elsewhere for a while. One of my closest new friends just accepted a position near Washington DC, and I’m still missing a friend I met here who ended up moving to St. Louis. I think I could manage travelling back and forth between here and Chicago on the weekends. The flight’s fairly short, and I’m used to hauling around like that. (I could only imagine how many frequent flier miles I’d accumulate, too!) SF or London would be a bit more difficult – and I’d be inclined to spend at least some weekends in either location.

No contracts have been signed, and the details remain sparse. The Chicago assignment appears to be the most crystallised and closest to singing on the dotted line, so I would predict that’s where I’m headed. My only request would be to work with some people with a bit more experience this time around. While there’s a certain amount of thrill in figuring out things oneself, it’d be nice to have a bona fide mentor, too.

In the meantime, Starbucks gift cards would be greatly appreciated. They’ve been getting a lot of my business lately, and the next two weeks should be no exception!

Yes, I'll take a Quadruple Venti Latte...

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 04:32:05 GMT

I can’t believe how quickly time flies by. I could have sworn I did a better job maintaining this journal, but the fact is – I’ve become accustomed to not having much access to LiveJournal or personal e-mail lately. While it’s hardly been the case where I’ve sat around doing nothing all day, it was one of the perks being around the main office. Now’s a different matter entirely – like a digital sterile clean-room with padded walls and no sharp instruments.

The project I’ve been working on is nearing completion, although we’re knee-deep in testing. For those of you who enjoy living vicariously through others, our test rollout was dreadful. The most difficult part of consulting is realising how woefully unprepared the customer is in every stage of a project, and pre-emptively buffering against such roadblocks. Nobody said it would be easy, and in a certain sense, I’ve had more fun in the last few weeks at my job than since I first started. The thrill of being on call and squashing software bugs as they arise is exciting, even mildly addicting. It sure beats talking to nobody all day long, as the beacon of hope has unexpectedly turned out to be that many of the customer staff are rather decent to work with once the ice is broken.

Still, I’ve been working some rather long evenings. The next two weeks or so will probably be much worse. I’m surprised it’s taken so long for people to catch on how addicted I am to coffee. It’s dreadful to think of how much I must consume throughout a day. On a “good” day, I get by with only drinking about 4 medium-sized cups of Joe. On a “not-so-good” day, it’s not uncommon to find a Starbucks container or two lying around the desk. It took people over a month to make the first comment about “always” having coffee. Perhaps the coffee mug my girlfriend purchased as a chotchke present is nigh for making its official office debut. (It reads, “D.O.A. Without My Coffee.”)

As a diversion, I’m rather disappointed with Starbuck’s choice to re-entrench themselves as a gourmet coffee roaster with their new blend. Amidst its warm reviews amongst critics, it’s a nutty roast. I’m not sure what that means – whether the new Pike Place roast actually uses nuts as an ingredient, or whether the roasting process merely gives it a nutty flavour. It’s a serious matter since in light of my nut allergy. I’d hate to have an accidental adverse reaction simply by trying their new flagship “Everyday Blend.” I can’t recall ever having to avoid coffee – unless it’s something obvious like a hazelnut or almond roast. Thank goodness that I’ve generally despised the taste of their regular coffee, but I’m saddened a little that I may not be able to try their new creation.

I’m still working at Sami’s agency on Saturdays, although I’m starting to tire of it a little bit. It’s nice to feel like I’m giving back a little to the community, but the politics and drama that go around there is definitely not something I wish to play any role in. A little jealousy has brewed amongst various staff members, particularly since I’m essentially a paid volunteer who hasn’t made any permanent commitment. On one hand, I understand that some people may feel awkward that my situation allows me some power to choose who I want to work with – rather than being assigned to somebody without my input, however it really isn’t my career in the least. Not that I caused any drama, but some of the petty fights that go on between staff cause me to shake my head in how unprofessional some people can be. However, if that’s just the standard, it also makes some sense why certain conflicts emerge. It may be hard to take a job that can’t really pay anyone’s bills too seriously, so it may be almost rational not to even bother in some cases. Still, it’s a character issue. I can deal with going out with a group of people and having a good time as usual, but being surrounded by drama is not a way I wish to spend any portion of my weekend.

The last month had a few interesting adventures. A few weeks back, one of our friends invited us out for a Fondue dinner near Murray Hill. It’s been over a year since I’ve had fondue, and even though the restaurant was more trendy than focused on providing decent service, the food was pretty good – and a bargain at that (compared to what I remember it being in Berkeley.) We selected two different cheeses and finished off with dessert fondue with chocolate and a white chocolate/champagne blend. There were at least four new people I never met before, very different from the “usual” suspects. A part of me thought I was in the middle of a Sex in the City episode at times. We’ve had a few good brunches lately, I got to attend one a coworker’s housewarming party, saw the New York Botanical Gardens, and had my first experience being completely overwhelmed by B&H (a high-end camera / electronic’s store in NY staffed almost exclusively by Hasidic Jews.)

In light of it all, while there’ve been more than a few moments where I’ve wanted to reach out and spend time with people, or make new friends, it’s been difficult. Over the last two weeks, it’s been rare when I’ve gotten home before 9pm, and in some cases a bit later. However, it’s reflected by other people’s uncompromising schedules as well. I’m slowly getting around to calling people and catching up.

I’m still trying to figure out the best use for my tax refund. I feel rather comforted to know that it’s almost enough money to pay the bare minimum of a month’s expenses. However, instead of letting it sit in a crappy savings account that earns no interest, there’re probably better things to do with it. Among the possibilities might be to open up a brokerage account and invest in ETFs, start a Roth IRA, from which I can always borrow in financial hardships, or just leave it exactly where it is. While a part of me would love to just simply send in a rather large check to a credit card company of my choice, it would defeat the purpose of having an emergency fund in the first place.

Still no word about the Chicago opportunity. I’ll have to finish my current assignment first, anyway, before departing.

Perhaps I’m going to need that super-caffeinated beverage after-all, especially for the next month.

A Tale of Two Cities

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 04:39:32 GMT

In a lot of ways, so much ahs happened in the last week that it feels like an eternity. The events of our tale begin last Thursday, which after being blown away after having a lunch with a friend in the New York Times building, continued with our annual company meeting in Battery Park.

The meeting is a thinly-veiled excuse to drink to excess. Fortunately in my case, I was a little smarter than some of my colleagues, but that’s no matter. After the meeting portion of the night’s festivities concluded, I spoke with the boss about upcoming opportunities, whereupon I was asked if I wanted to volunteer for a six-month project in Chicago.

If I were to be officially offered the project, it would be a mind-blowing opportunity. For consultants in another city, the company has their clients provide corporate apartments for staff, as well as a rather generous expense stipend per diem. Not only that, it’s fairly typical that they’d fly their consultants back to New York nearly every weekend.

The first few days were spent waffling over the pros and cons of the deal. Needless to say, my girlfriend voiced several objections at the beginning. Fortunately, her primary concerns, once she elaborated, were pretty manageable especially given the accommodations that would likely result if the deal proceeds. Still, it’s not fun spending a weekend arguing and bargaining – especially on uncertain terms. Speaking with my boss on Monday, it was also mentioned there’s a chance the client would have us work in their New York offices instead. Once again, this hammers home the lesson that nothing’s settled until the ink’s been signed. In all, the assignment required my boss to build of a list of volunteers should the need arise to “react quickly.”

From a career-stance, it’s probably one of the best breaks (assuming it happens) that I could be offered. Despite having to re-establish myself in a brand new city, six months isn’t that long – especially with the ability to fly back to New York. If conditions allow, I may even be able to sublet my apartment for a few months to save a ton of money. In a way, I suppose it also shows I’m trusted within the company to be given a chance like this.

A few years ago, when I visited Chicago to see a friend, I had one of the best times of my life. On the otherhand, they were all attached to the friend I was visiting, which ended up turning quite sour. (The person no longer lives anywhere near there anymore.) To think of it leaves a bittersweet and rather empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, which is completely irrational. It’s not uncommon for a single person to represent (or represent a complete association with) an entire city. Also, Chicago summers are not to be comfortable, from what I understand. Still, I’ve already spent enough time on vacation to understand it’s pretty easy to get around without a car, and to have a taste of what I might be getting into.

It turns out that one of my other friends is very likely to face having her boyfriend relocate to Canada permanently for his job. At least for Sami’s sake, it provided perspective on the temporary separation-which-really-isn’t-a-separation. However, I’d hate to straightjacket myself by travelling back to New York every weekend, since it’d make it difficult to develop any relationship with Chicago during daylight.

Life works out rather funny. For all it’s worth, I had an epiphany of sort which took the form more like an emotional revelation. In spite of the frequent frustrations with my position, the company meeting reaffirmed that I’m extremely greatful to be where I’m at. It struck long before my boss spoke to me about Chicago, or really before most people had the opportunity to overindulge in potent potables. It’s like one of those moments, like being inside a movie, where people are authentically interested in connecting with you. Those moments don’t come very often, and rarely with so many people from different backgrounds. It felt like we really do form a family of sorts, and not even in a creepy way. It just feels… unusual in my shoes. I’m really not used to belonging anywhere… at all.

Combine that with one of the most unexpected and delightfully weird/spontaneous evenings with MEETin on Saturday night I’ve had in a long time, making it hardly a boring weekend.

Oh yeah, and I also learned I suck at bowling! Oh wait, I knew that already…

Another Zippergate

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 23:00:19 GMT

Somehow it doesn’t surprise me that yet another leader has become tarnished with scandal. Particularly, I’m referring to Eliot Spitzer, Governor of New York. In the tradition of having a “wide stance” on morality that separates public and private life, his actions have nonetheless caught up with gaining public attention.

Having been a recent transplant to New York, and one who doesn’t closely follow politics – especially when I’m still feeling like something of a transient, he has earned the reputation of somebody who’s seemingly championed the cause of weeding out corruption.

Amongst his pet projects, he’s sought to investigate Wall Street tycoons and banks who’re largely responsible for the subprime meltdown and financial chaos crippling the economy. Reading up a little about him, he has a good record of being a consumer advocate, going after the corporate doublespeak where “taking it seriously” has devolved into a snarkfest amongst many.

There are two layers of irony. A person who claims tackle crime and corruption, even with respect to prostitution, falls into the very trap his platform desires to eradicate. (Maybe it’s a case of Freudian projection, but at the time, there’s yet no evidence suggesting his extramarital liaisons were a habit.) This category is what makes it difficult for constituents to trust his judgement in holding office. In this sense, I’m less forgiving than I’ve been with President Clinton’s scandal, since the latter's affair was consensual, legal, and none of the public’s business.

The other irony, somewhat more disturbing, is examining who gains from Spitzer’s scandal. Instead of feeling a general sense of victory, it’s going to be Wall Street who serves most to gain by Spitzer’s departure. Thankfully, while the FBI has been scrutinising several investment banks for possible fraud, it never hurts to have State pressure applied as well. While they may not be clear, they stand to be relieved of a menacing adversary.

So while people debate over the prostitution issue, it masks a much broader picture. There’s no guarantee that any possible successor to Spitzer will be any less corrupt – as corruption can take many forms as well as degrees. However, the chances that a person who will replace Spitzer with the knowledge and determination to address urgent problems that affect millions of people is much less likely.

It’s hard to see who wins if Spitzer resigns, and whether the vast majority of us would be better off.

What Strange Creatures we Are

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 04:05:14 GMT

I’m really not sure what set this off, and perhaps it happens to be as a result of working with a different crowd of people, or hanging out with a lot more singles lately. In any case, without having any particular offending situation, I’ve simply become unable to relate to the vast majority of people out there and their quests for sexual companionship.

Quite simply, this is an odd conclusion, particularly for somebody like myself who’s remained hopelessly (and even desperately) single for most of his life. In fact, if anything should appear unusual, it’s the fact that I am in a committed relationship and everything it entails.

I’m not speaking about any particular single friend. In fact, the mast majority of people that I interact with on a day-to-day basis are currently not involved in a committed, monogamous relationship. Most of them are either a part of the singles scene, or not too far removed from it, so I’m still privy to witness and hear all sorts of accounts of awkward new-age courtship rituals.

Perhaps my newfound perspective has me looking at the “problem” of finding a mate from a different angle.

I think I would be absolutely terrified to try to date in New York. There might be many reasons why this may be true for many different types of people. For instance, I’ve heard people claim there’s simply too much competition in the city. I imagine that would be true in my case. However, from an outsiders’ perspective, even though I do end up getting to know and speak on a somewhat-intimate level with more people than I may let on, for the very first time in my life, I really question how many people would live up to my standards.

I’m really not sure what this means, or why that is. When I’ve been single, it’s usually been the case that I’ve met somebody and completely put them on a pedestal. Sometimes that tendency is justified, but there were many cases when it obviously wasn’t. It could be a person I met just a couple times, but I would immediately think that I wasn’t worthy of them. Then again, my reasoning was also along the lines that I wasn’t attractive enough, or a good enough conversationalist, lacked “worldly experience,” or simply wasn’t much fun to be around.

These qualities haven’t really changed much in the last few years. I’m still fundamentally the same person on the exterior, nor has the way I interact socially transformed all that much. However, just getting out there and meeting lots of people, observing their relationship styles, or simply having the opportunity to get to know other people than trivial small-talk has caused quite a shift.

For all the uncertainty, the confusion, and the occasional headaches it’s been, I guess what I’ve discovered is that I’m pretty happy being involved with somebody who is worth my time. There’s absolutely no shortage of attractive, intelligent, vivacious women. Whatever a person could ever be looking for, chances are it can be found here in abundance. However, listening or witnessing people make complete fools of themselves for the sake of dating, or being in genuinely destructive relationships has really made me even more jaded about the process than I already was. Simply making a checklist and only seeking out those people may seem like a great idea, but there’re so many ways a real relationship can fail. It makes finding one that doesn’t simply fall apart all that more special.

Because the odds of randomly meeting one’s soulmate are so slim, it then becomes rather alienating when trying to watch those around you spend copious amounts of effort pursuing romantic relationships. The act of obsessing over one’s outfit for hours, or choosing a restaurant, or dropping excessive amounts of money, or playing mind-games to manipulate others into conforming to one’s will, - all over somebody who’ll most likely disappoint you at best - is a pretty miserable way to seek out what one wants.

In spite of all the horror stories, we all go on. Maybe going through life meeting all those who’re wrong for each other give us insight into knowing something worth holding onto. While dating may be an inefficient, frustrating experience, it’s one of the few proactive measures one can take without simply leaving it all to fate.

Still, to think of what could be accomplished with all that misplaced energy spent trying to impress and lure others into our webs, rather than investing it towards bettering ourselves. If we could tone down our needs for immediate physical affection, the world would be in a much better place. I don’t recall spending much time working on personal development when I was obsessed with somebody else. It became a primary focus that I was all too happy to abandon. (Admittedly, not everyone I know is like this – and they seem to be remarkably unperturbed by the whole process of finding – or not finding – a significant other.)

And yet, I say all this with the full knowledge that should I ever find myself single again, straight to the rat-race I’d go. It’s more reason to believe that human beings are incredibly irrational at their core, and after all those needs are met, then that higher reasoning of “logic” and “self-improvement” takes place.

Damn you, nature.

Midtown Madness

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 04:30:43 GMT

Writing’s been difficult. Three weeks, and approximately four dozen episodes of House later, and I still haven’t managed to update my journal. I guess it’s a symptom of being busy, and that’s mostly due to the fact that either I think there’s nothing worthy of blogging about, or that by the time I actually believe it to be a good idea, I’m exhausted and don’t wish to stare at a blank screen. Tonight’s not much different, but I’m going to give it a whack anyway…

The job situation’s definitely better. About two and a half weeks ago, we finally got the contract signed we’ve been looking forward to for months. That meant that a team of three of us have been sent out to a major investment bank in Midtown to upgrade their middle-office trading software. (Basically, after brokers do their trades on the stock markets, they have to make sure the securities get allocated to the right place. That’s just one of the many things our software handles.) It’s a relief that I’m finally somewhere, knowing that I’m productive and will eventually earn our company a substantial amount of money – which is good for job security.

The working environment, however, is quite different. While I was hardly working in a high-energy environment in the past, most of the people I interacted with regularly were my age, which is now not the case. I’m probably a good decade, if not younger, than most of the people I’ve met at my assignment. While this isn’t a problem, and perhaps even desirable – professionally speaking, it probably means that I won’t be making very many friends on the job. Networking with colleagues, definitely. However, it’ll probably mean that my the two other people I’m working with and I will become pretty good friends. Before heading out here, I don’t think I ever ate with either of the other two members of my team, but we seem to be getting along pretty well now. So far, the most challenging part of our project is working with our customer in making sure they set everything up properly for us to do our job. Up until this point, we’ve suffered several frustrations and setbacks on their account, highlighting the fact that Project Management and technical skills are completely different skills.

The three of us share a junior office, which is good since we’re isolated from the rest of the company – were it not to seem so… dead. The main room is cubicle hell so quiet that one could hear a whisper. That is something which would require a bit of adjusting, far more than a Dilbert calendar and a desk plant can cover as a substitute for companionship. At least for now we’re ahead of schedule, for the most part, and with any luck, we’ll stay that way. It’ll definitely be a learning experience.

Working in Midtown also makes it possible to stay in touch with more people. I was afraid that it would be more difficult to get around, especially having to travel across town, but it actually makes things much easier thanks to the N/R/W. A friend working in IT is only a few blocks away, and it was nice to actually have lunch with her, and there’re a few other people close by. Also, it’s almost like a miniature reunion for our coworkers, since many of our customers tend to be located within walking distance of each other. I’m still trying to stake out the good places to eat… just as I became dependent on a deli downtown at my old office.

Outside of work, I’ve been trying to keep busier, with a bit of success. However, most of it’s turned into “work” of another sense. After a rough start, I finally have a few tutoring students that are reliable, and as always, they tend to be really great to get along with. I’ve continued to “volunteer” at Sami’s agency during the weekend, so that means instead of vegetating in bed until noon and desperately figure out how to spend my time alone, I’m spared that boredom. By hook and by crook, I’ve also continued to make our monthly Settlers of Catan MeetUp group. We got our hands on a Cities and Knights set and became addicted to it with Stacey. Sami even managed to buy a complete set of pretty much every Settlers game available. (Hey, if you’re going to become hooked on something, why do it only halfway?) Evenings haven’t been as boring, having rediscovered the wonders of syndicated television. I’ve been dutifully catching up on House, which is rarely a dull moment – in spite of its theatrics. I even managed to get Sami addicted, too.

I’m still trying to work on this so-called “balance” thing. Keeping busy is one thing, but preventing a meltdown is another matter entirely. At least I’ve got the necessities under control. I could still use a few more friends, preferably those who share my interests (whatever those are.) In a while, I’ll reconsider the piano question – after finding out they’re a bit more affordable than I thought. In a few months, maybe a vacation’d be nice, or just something to reward myself for a job well-done. I could probably pick up reading again, and better yet find a good book club with people about my age. That, and perhaps visiting a bar every once in a while wouldn’t hurt, either. There’re probably thousands of those here, and I’ve probably only been to a dozen or less since I’ve moved. Still no luck with the hunt for Hippies, either. =/

So that probably summarises the generalities. I enjoy hearing from people, even though a phone call’s pretty much the only way of speaking with me these days – and to catch me during a spare moment is fortuitous at best.

Hope everyone is well.

House, You Disappoint Me

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 03:42:47 GMT

Since a friend of mine happens to be getting into a House, M.D. kick, I remembered liking that show quite a bit when I used to go home for vacation. One of the reasons I thought highly of this show, besides the insufferable lead character, is that the drama focuses heavily on actual medicine, and that its medical diagnoses/treatments are on-target.

After watching a few recent episodes last night, there seems to be a lot of emphasis where Lupus appearing on the differential diagnosis tree. Perhaps doctors go around believing that virtually anyone who has unexplained pain and whatnot has this disease, which I guess is easily ruled out. Nonetheless, one patient actually turned out to have it (reading later, it's a confirmed "inside joke" when House is actually surprised that a real patient turns out to have it.)

However, House's explanation seemed really, really wrong. It sort of went by me without paying much attention at first. In spite of the dramatics and exotic and catastrophic illnesses the doctors seem to exhaust first, the end result is relatively mundane. In this case, House ruled in Lupus because of a mistake he felt arose in the blood-typing process.

Lupus is an autoimmune disease in which a person makes excessive amounts of antibodies to their own tissues, which causes clumping that disrupts many major organ systems. House stated authoritatively that blood-typing procedures only test for antibodies, *NOT* the actual blood type. In a song and a dance, the inexplicable patient's deterioration is explained away by an improper blood transfusion. (They thought the patient was type AB, and therefore a "universal" blood recipient.)

If they were looking for antibodies for blood antigens, and found anti-A, anti-B, they would have determined him to have a blood type O, and therefore given him O (the universal donor), which wouldn't have caused any symptoms.

The only way to have come up with a blood type of AB is that there were no A/B antibodies floating around in the patient's blood. Lupus causes *extra* antibodies - it doesn't mask ones that would normally exist.

Given the information present, House was just dead wrong.

I'm disappointed, however I guess this always happens with medical dramas. Too bad this was one that an educated fifth grader should have been all over.

Amazing what crap I think about on the subway...

Douche and Turd

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 04:26:30 GMT

“Don’t you see? [Every election]’s always been between a giant douche and a turd sandwich, because they're the only people who suck up enough to make it that far in politics.”
--- South Park

It’s that time of year where suddenly politics enter into the vernacular everywhere you go. For some reason, I can’t seem to get excited about the election this year. Perhaps it’s only primary season, and I fail to see where primary elections really count. By the time New York or California have their say, most of the interesting candidates have dropped out of the race whereby only two candidates are vying for the party nomination.

For the most part, I’m rather moderate when it comes to politics. Or rather, if I were to break things down, I tend to be fiscally centrist and socially liberal. Given the two front-running Democratic nominees, it would appear to me that there’s a lot for many people to be excited about for the upcoming 2008 election.

I’m simply not. I cannot help the fact that the Democratic primaries are incredibly slimy this time around. Yes, for the 2004 election, I would have loved to see Howard Dean take the nomination with Edwards. It was hard to get excited about John Kerry, but he should have had an incredibly easy time winning the White House, and somehow everything went FUBAR.

My instinct tells me that the two ostensibly different candidates in this election may end up losing the White House again. It’s not that I have anything against having a non-WASP president… I don’t want race or gender to even enter into the campaigning at all. I don’t care what ethnic background or gender the future Commander-in-Chief has, just so long as they’re the most qualified for the job.

I’d hate for Hilary to be garnish any support simply because she is a woman. Yes, it’s a break from tradition, but so what? While feminists may have a field-day feeling they have a partner in promoting “gender equality,” I don’t see where it matters in the normal, day-to-day operation of the government. I would like her to be elected because she has the leadership qualities and the ideals that people really believe in. In terms of leadership, I don’t really question her, but I have a really hard time believing her value system is in line with my generation. Furthermore, while some people are deathly afraid that she’s a socialist, her healthcare plan sounds ridiculously conservative by comparison. Is she a shill for lobbyists? Honestly, it’s something I need to look into, and I’m not going to give her on blind faith.

To not have a completely unbalanced argument against Hilary, another common worry many people have is that Mrs. Clinton would be "a step back" in time, and that we'd have "two presidents" in the White House. While I can definitely see Mr. Clinton expending lots of effort supporting his wife on the campaign trail, I don't understand how the "two presidents" concern is really valid. Chances are, Hilary's leadership ability and political beliefs haven't changed that much from the day she left the Oval Office as the First Lady to this point, and knnowing a little about her, she heavily influenced Bill Clinton's Presidency. I don't understand how having two strong leaders in the White House is such a bad thing, particularly since I genuinely liked Bill Clinton's tenure. In spite of his personal failings, he was a good leader and did many wonderful things for this country. If he were to play a major role in the upcoming term, I don't see it as recipe for disaster... and in fact, I'm rather comforted by that - like an insurance policy that actually helps.

On the otherhand, I don’t even know who the heck Obama is. The first time I even heard his name discussed was during John Kerry’s concession speech after the 2004 election. The newscasters began pushing him - “Oh wow, what a marvellous speech! Could he be a contender for the 2008 election?” Then with a lighthearted laugh, another announcer put forth another asinine comment, “Well, I wonder if the American People would believe that Obama’s name is too close in sound to Osama [bin Laden]”

So he’s young, and decidedly liberal, and a great orator. Oh, and there’s the fact that he’s a minority. On one hand, it seems like I would really like this guy. However, at every impression, he seems really naïve and keeps pushing for “change.” Well, that’s wonderful, but “change” isn’t always a good thing, and without the political experience, I don’t understand how he believes his platform is well-thought-out and executable. I question his wisdom, which can only come from experience. Even a great idea, poorly implemented, can yield disastrous results. The hype surrounding him is a real turnoff, too.

I’m rather dissatisfied with John Edwards’ unfortunate lack of popularity this term. He was the saving grace of the 2004 debates, giving the Democrats at least a passing amount of credibility. He’s very eloquent, like Obama, and appears to have genuine concern for working-class Americans. He’s not a blue-blood, and he isn’t overhyped. He always appeared straightforward, honest, and humble, making him an all-around likeable character with a good head on his shoulders.

Unfortunately, elections seem to favour hype over substance. It must be the only way to get enough people to pay attention to politics long enough to assent to somebody taking office, and thus it’s the politicians’ job to do everything they can to stir up discourse. Suddenly, people who haven’t a clue about how the world works become impassioned and embattled as though the election were The Most Important Thing On Earth, transforming laypeople instantly into self-proclaimed “experts.” Honestly, I don’t know very much about politics, but whenever I have an important decision to make, I’ll at least put in my due diligence to be informed about my options.

Forget the name-calling and playing the race/gender card. I really want none of it for this election. It would be really sad to see the Republicans get their act together enough to put forth a candidate with integrity who may actually win the upcoming presidential election.

While I already know which party will get my vote this November, it disappoints me that I feel I’m settling yet again for the lesser of two evils.

Stuff and Things

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 20:04:54 GMT

The beginning of January has been rather uneventful in many ways, nonetheless it’s been busy. It’s hard to think back over the last couple of weeks and to consider it all “a big blur,” however, no intoxicating agents were the cause of this phenomenon.

Work’s been going pretty well, although I’m still awaiting anxious to begin my first customer project. Recently, a few new people have been returning to our office after being on-site since I’ve started working there, and so the last several weeks have been highlighted by meeting several new people. They’re all pretty nice, but I gather they’re in various stages of transition in their career with the company. Apparently, my department isn’t very popular as a long-term project for several people. We have a lot of very bright staff, but sometimes it’s really dull to wait around without the feeling that they’re doing anything constructive by sitting around the office and working on in-house tasks. I can definitely see where they’re coming from, but it also stinks in a sense that if people with a few years of experience are transferring into Development or other departments, it’s just us “new guys” left to pick up the slack. There’re many things I enjoy about working where I do, but there seems to be a severe shortage of mentorship.

That being said, the company I’m supposed to be consulting for has made several major towards finalising their contract negotiations. Without being too specific at all, they are disputing a few matters in the fine print of everything that are keeping us from heading over there and starting. It’s encouraging, and it also puts the pressure back on when it comes to learning as much as possible before shipping out. I suppose I’m excited, but I’m absolutely unsure what to expect. However, having several more months to sit around and learn skills about our system before facing a customer has probably helped a great deal. I’m getting to the point where I’m beginning to “understand things” and be useful much more quickly. This is shown by the fact that we’ve had to perform a complete upgrade on our development environment, and while the server still has quite a few issues to work out, in less than a week of effort, it’s beginning to show signs of working better than ever before. I’m sure that means I’m doing something right…

Rather unexpectedly, last week I met several Berkeley alumni from a connection made by a friend who I used to work with at Long Beach City College who also ended up going to Berkeley with me. As it turned out, several former mathematicians have found themselves in Manhattan working in the financial industry. We met up at a nice bar/lounge near Union Square and seemed to hit it off rather well. For complete strangers, it was a pretty good success, even though shyness still remains an issue for me. However, a Berkeley Haas alum working at Merrill Lynch shared one of the funniest stories I’ve heard in a long time about a Merrill Lynch employee gone berserk over his meagre bonus and tracked feces all over their fixed income trading floor. I’d still like to hear a few more eye-witness accounts to confirm the story, but it’s pretty unbelievable. It’s good to have a few more possible friends in the City.

Come to think of it, I have been pretty busy. In contrast to the holidays, I have been getting out a bit more. Monday night, Sami and I joined a couple other friends for all-you-can-eat sushi on the Upper West Side, and then the “Berkeley reunion” happened on Thursday. It also turns out that two of my co-workers in my department live within blocks of my apartment, and one of them had been dying to check out a pool hall near the subway stop. Sami had also been interested, so we ended up getting a decent group of us together to hang out on Friday night, which leads to Saturday.

The last couple weekends, I have been “volunteering” with Sami’s agency. Apparently, I failed to read the hidden fine print of going into her agency to help out with being an accompanist for their Christmas carols. I was pretty easily enticed by the prospect of going to an IHOP that recently opened up in Downtown Brooklyn, and all I had to do was be Sami’s co-counselor and assist two other adults bringing a group of people with developmental disabilities out for the day. Turns out, they were so short-staffed that the director of their Saturday programme offered to compensate me for my time. However, that evening it became clear that in order to be paid, I had to be on their staff, so they slapped me with a stack of employment forms. To make a long story short, I believe I’m an official Saturday co-counselor at YAI. It was made clear that it’s something I can do when I have the time, but I won’t be obligated to be there every Saturday. However, I’ve now done it two weekends in a row. It didn’t turn out to be as hard as I thought it would be, and I imagine it’ll look pretty good on my resume wherever I go. While it’s not something I’d like to do for a living, it does feel good to do something nice for people who are less fortunate once in a while. Although, it’s weird, because quite literally – Sami became my boss =/.

As for the rest of things, I think life will be picking the pace back up again. The dawn of a new semester means more tutoring students, which I’ve already found a few, and February’s bonus, while a little less than I thought it’d be, will help undo a lot of financial damage that I’ve been struggling with. My brother may be planning to visit New York in the spring, and Sami and I are casually making plans to visit Long Beach for the summer. Things are happening, it just takes a little time to build momentum.

Book Review: Never Let Me Go

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 03:53:44 GMT

Imagine growing up in a boarding school. You’re completely cut off from the entire world, and while you have every available chance to learn and play with your classmates, you’re always kept at arm’s length by your teachers. Add in the fact that somehow you’re told you’re “very special” and have to be very careful throughout life when it comes to common-sense things like not smoking or having unprotected sex, but somehow it’s more important for you than others. While you’re treated as a privilege class, there’s an eerie suspicion that eclipses your idyllic lifestyle foreshadowing a grim truth in the distant future.

If this sounds intriguing, then checking out a copy of Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro is well worth your time. In its presentation of a reality that’s close to ours, but still mysteriously and ominously different, it reminds me of the probing innocence and discovery that one finds in The Giver by Lois Lowry. In some regards, it’s a little closer to home.

While the narrator chooses to play her cards close for a while, being intentionally vague with descriptions, such as herself being a “carer,” it doesn’t take very long to catch onto the general scheme, and therefore I don’t feel incredibly guilty about spoiling much. A group of children are followed throughout their life from childhood as they become aware that their raison d'être is solely for organ harvesting. The chosen “students” are prescribed a complete cradle-to-grave programme to provide a leisurely life, only to sacrifice themselves before even reaching middle age. All this happens without having any meaningful interaction with the outside world.

While the rationale about the elaborate lengths that a handful of dedicated people went through to execute the programme “humanely,” it isn’t quite clear what their connection with the outside world is. Everyone simply begins donating their internal organs when they’re called upon, particularly very young. Never once does is an actual organ recipient mentioned, and it’s only briefly alluded to that people from the lowest socioeconomic classes and/or the morally depraved were chosen to be “clone models.” Additionally, each clone child is sterile.

For this reason, it’s uncertain why the lower classes would be chosen to benefit from organ harvesting, although if moral depravity was part of their inclusion criteria, it may be fitting to have your carbon copy waiting to be beckoned to save you from yourself. However, it doesn’t quite seem that clear. None of the students are known to be excused from donations, therefore it’s not certain who the children are and for whom they serve, adding to the isolation.

The children definitely wonder about one lies ahead, but they’re also quite perceptive and begin to catch on fairly young at what fate lies for them. Oddly enough, the students don’t tend to react strongly against the news. There’s not one hint of protest, or even an inkling of questioning. As young adults becoming aware of the entire process, they’re more curious to discover their “possibles” (clone models) and eager to begin the next stage of their lives.

By most standards, the children appear to be remarkably normal. They appear to be rather athletic, creative, smart, and intelligent. They seem to know much about the world that lies beyond their isolation. However, they are never that curious to engage it. Simply knowing about the world rather than first-hand experience seems enough. They move on, take on a job that’s assigned to them, and appear to want to do the best they can. Like before, they give everything its due, and then willingly advance to the next stage.

It’s disturbing how little resistance there is to the idea of self-sacrifice. They may even believe, as they’ve been told, that it’s an honour and a privilege in spite of its obvious pitfalls. Instead of draconic measures, control seems to be far more passive and decentralised, relying exclusively on peer pressure and weak recommendations. Nobody appears to suffer any punishment, and especially once the children leave their boarding school, there’s no reason to believe they could simply wander away and disappear amongst the rest of civilisation without any consequences… and yet, nobody does.

The group are brainwashed into loving who they are, and embracing their life purpose. Perhaps it lends credence to the power of isolation, and how fragile and arbitrary any societal structure can be. It becomes clear how a child may be reared as a part of a cult, only to be released from its control, but reject his/her newfound freedom. Less dramatically, the process slowly reveals how easily people submit to absurd and harmful things, from an outsider’s perspective, solely based on a diffuse expectation and not necessity. People toil over jobs they hate, stay married to people they have trouble getting along with, raise families, buy big-ticket items like fancy homes and cars, obtain advanced degrees, associate with one group of people while distancing oneself from another, all predicated on expectation that it’s “simply the way it’s done.” Making choices that don’t sit well with our fulfillment, however, is like digging a little grave each day, much like these characters who march on.

Also evident are how people can convince themselves that they’re acting on the best interest of others from their perspective, but take the wrong measures, or simply don’t go far enough. It becomes apparent later that many other “donors” grew up in conditions far worse than the main characters. The exaltation that the protagonists experience among the other donors is simply due to fact that their formative years were spent in better conditions than the rest. While the boarding school staff may feel justified in their commitment to provide a lifestyle approaching normal for some youngsters, crusading on behalf of the clone children that they indeed have souls and ought to be treated compassionately, they uphold their "ultimate fate" comforting themselves that other people have it much worse.

This is all without touching the larger issue over medical ethics resulting from cloning human beings for treating disease. While the novel may be considered a strong endorsement to ban cloning and perhaps some practices involving embryonic stem cell research and genetic engineering, it would be a loss to simply distill it down to that alone. It’s a wonderfully rich and engaging novel in spite of its macabre nature. Maybe it’ll even be one of those things which you may never let it go.

Manhattan Apartment Rent Trends for 2007

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 00:18:35 GMT

Hrmm,

Suddenly I don't feel quite so ripped off on the housing situation... or do I? Who actually has this much money lying around to afford paying rent in Manhattan?

http://www.tregny.com/year_end_report_2007.jsp

Perhaps it'll be a while before considering a doorman building... Housing crisis, can you make rental property values plummet, too? kthx.

Speak up, and Somebody Might Actually Listen: AKA "Why Capital One Ought to Burn in the Netherworld"

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 03:04:05 GMT

About a month ago, I stumbled upon a Yahoo! News article reporting on a congressional probe looking into the practices of credit card companies. Somewhat regrettably, but this type of story was close and dear to my heart, particularly after an outrageous experience with Capital One’s credit cards. I’ve been having a long-standing dispute with the company since September related to their actions with respect to an accidental late payment onto my account. I will outline the details in another paragraph or two.

The head of the probe was Senator Carl Levin, D-Michigan, who has been calling in leading executives from many of the major lenders to testify before Congress about their operating procedures. While there is a segment of the population who are blissfully ignorant of financial responsibility, he’s targeting companies who are imposing prohibitive penalties on people who are committed to repaying their debt obligations on good faith. Particularly, fee structures on late payments that are disproportionate with their balances, excessive fees that can easily triple a person’s interest rate, even charging interest on fees. Worse yet, the last several months have seen scores of credit card holders witness drastic changes in their account terms and conditions even if they’ve never defaulted or missed a payment.

The timing couldn’t have been more perfect, as I had recently become very irate after speaking with a senior account supervisor at Capital One. So, I e-mailed Senator Levin’s office, and today, I received the following response:

Dear Mr. Smith,

Thank you for sharing your experience with Capital One with us. My name is Jonathan Port, and I work for Senator Levin on the Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations. I would like to follow up with you about your letter. Please let me know of a phone number at which I can reach you, or feel free to call me at [redacted].

Thanks,
Jonathan Port

U.S. Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations
193 Russell Senate Building
Washington, DC 20510

Holy crap! Somebody from Congress actually pays attention to me, and takes my concerns seriously.

Now, why am I so infuriated with Capital One?

I apologise in advance to anyone who’s heard this story more times than I care to relate, but I actually’ve only told a few people, and therefore it warrants getting into the details.

In August, I switched residences. I actually owe balances on many credit cards, which is completely my fault, but in the process of desperately finding a new apartment, I had overlooked sending submitting my payment. I usually handle everything electronically, over the Internet, and the funds were definitely not the issue. While I had been near 95% of my credit limit, their credit line is quite small especially given my five years having an account in good standing. Their APR was the lowest of all my cards – 9.9% Fixed, and since I had a few other balances that were at significantly higher interest rates, I only submitted the minimum payment for them, instead devoting extra funds to the card with the highest interest.

What happened next, I don’t understand how the Capital One employees calculated the charges they assessed on my account. I was charged a late fee. Great, whatever. This still would have kept my balance under my credit limit – but THEN they hiked the interest rate up to 28.49% and additionally assessed another $39 overlimit fee on top of the late fee. The average daily balance they used to compute the interest charge did not match the average daily balance I kept in the card, and it’s very questionable in what order they assessed penalties in order to compute the charges.

Yes, it was a mistake. I deserved a late fee. I may have even deserved my interest rate to increase some. However, under the worst of conditions, I doubt they would have tripled my interest rate over the incident. I promptly submitted a large payment, called the CSR center at Capital One, where they agreed the fees were excessive. The first month, they waived the overlimit fee as a courtesy, but were unable to reduce the interest rate to anything more reasonable. They assured me that, “Nobody is kept at that high interest rate for very long.” I asked what “very long” meant, and time-after-time, the CSR representative said “2-3 months” as long as I continued to may payments on time. I was very upset at this point, but realised that I wouldn’t get very far with them, especially given that there’s no business reason I could have justified to them why I deserved a better rate since they probably considered my account “risky” at that point.

Thank goodness for having more income. I had begun to budget out a plan where I would submit at least $500 a month in addition to the minimum payment towards any card with the highest interest rate. Guess what that meant, Capital One, the “safe” balance (from their perspective) instantly became a target for my aggressive repayment programme.

Pushing my luck a little, I called Capital One a month later after submitting my first large payment. I called to have them reduce my interest rate. I restated that I have been a loyal customer for five years, have a perfect credit history, and that the mishap was merely an oversight, and not based on ability to pay. This is where the “large payment” plan became useful. This tactic once lowered my interest rate with Citibank, and up until this point, Capital One had been pretty easy to deal with. I thought they might listen.

Instead, they told me that they were “very sorry” for the rate on my account, but they couldn’t automatically adjust it. I asked the new account manager, “How long will this rate be on my account?” They assured me again, “usually 2-3 months.” They gave the standard spiel of making on-time payments again, but my options were exhausted. However, that was month one. Surely, anyone who can pay off more than half of his entire balance in two months poses a much lower risk than anything they may have initially supposed.

After the second large payment posted, I called again. Please keep in mind that calling Capital One and going through the steps to speak with an account manager, who has any authority at all, is a labourious and time-consuming process. This time, I explained the situation, and received an account manager that “understood” and submitted a request to reverse my interest rate. She told me the process usually takes 5-7 business days to review, and I should receive a letter in the mail to confirm.

Instead of a confirmation, their letter said told me that my request was denied, framing it that I “did not understand” the terms and conditions of my account. There’s a huge difference between the “Terms and Conditions” on my contract, and conducting smart business. However, by this time, it was mostly a matter of principle (no pun intended). The third payment was already allocated and would be arriving in their hands shortly. With well under 25% utilisation, and it now being at the “upper limit” of 3 months at the “default” interest rate, I was pretty sure my rate would reset.

After the third payment posted, I called yet again. I’ve pretty much memorised the automated system. This time, the account manager couldn’t give me any better options, and after telling the manager that I have paid off the vast majority of my card’s balance, had been told that I would only be at this rate for 2-3 months, and it has now been “over three months,” and threatening that if my concerns were not met in a satisfactory manner, I would never use my Capital One account again (although I’d keep it open to preserve my credit rating), she transferred me to her supervisor.

The woman I spoke to at this point was firm, and direct, and had little hint of politeness and tact. She allowed me to speak, and without saying much of anything, said that my request had been denied because the Terms and Conditions stated they could charge the default rate for 12 months. I reminded her that previous account managers said that my rate would reset after 3. She said, “They were wrong. There is nothing I will do for you.”

Obviously she was playing hardball. None of the “loyal customer” arguments had any weight. When I mentioned I felt their practices were “arbitrary and abusive,” and that I valued doing business with their company in the past, but this would jeopardise any business I may have with them in the future, she didn’t flinch. I asked to speak with her supervisor, and she refused to transfer me to anyone else. I then argued, “I don’t understand why you’re unwilling to bargain when losing my business would cost them much more in the long-run than it would cost me to pay off my entire balance.” (I once again reminded her in less than 30 days, I would have zero balance, and never use the card again.) Her reply? “That is certainly your choice.” I asked if it was worth keeping my business, and she plainly said, “No.”

I was going nowhere. However, I asked for an address to submit a written complaint. She refused to provide one. I mentioned that I would be able to find the contact information of her managers, and provide a detailed account of my entire customer service relationship, and would specifically mention her name. She threatened, “Don’t bother. It won’t do you any good.”

Now, I owe them nothing, having paid them off as promised. However, my experience with them has been dreadful. No business would consider its rational customers “expendable” when all they had to do was lower my interest rate somewhat, as they had already claimed they would do automatically. Their long-term business model makes absolutely no sense – they’re only after fees and high interest charges. I’m awfully sorry if Capital One had made very bad bets on investments, but they shouldn’t gouge their best customers to make up for it. In the end, nobody with a decent credit history will want to deal with them, and they can charge all the phenomenal interest rates and fees they desire… to the people who are least able to pay them.

And yes. There was somebody who would listen who’s a bit more powerful than Kathryn in Virginia. Try a U.S. Senator on for size, one who’s already earmarked your company as one of the worst offenders in the credit industry.

Year End Summary

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 05:49:07 GMT

It would hardly seem appropriate to wind up 2007 without providing some form of Year-End Summary. Since the bulk of the material has been hashed out in previous entries, this commentary ought to be brief. The more impatient readers should rejoice over the fact these notes will be neatly categorised for short attention spans.

Look forward to a timely New Years Resolution’s post, most ideas which will be inviolable cast aside a few weeks into 2008.

Education
Berkeley is finished. This year marked joining the ranks of the college-educated graduates. I’m very happy to be finished with school, as nothing eroded my self-confidence than thinking I was inadequate on a daily basis, while not having the opportunity to earn any living and racking up debt. Having the degree feels like being released from a straightjacket, and while eventually I know I will return to school, a few years’ vacation should rejuvenate the spirit. The last semestre truly went out with a bang, having been probably the most challenging and productive in the last three years. I rightly feel I accomplished something, and while I shake my head some days detesting that it took six years to complete a four-year degree, my breadth of education and experience grant me a unique perspective to approach the world from many different vantage points. Positive morale regarding the bill is frankly another matter.

Career
For once I’m working a full-time position that somewhat meets my earning potential. Add me to the statistic that many people who complete their education in one discipline end up launching their career in something completely different. Nonetheless, I’m happy overall with my presentsituation, and feel I’m with a company that offers a lot of growth opportunities and suits my lifestyle reasonably well. I hope the next year will continue to be mutually beneficial, and that by the end of this next year, I’ll feel secure and reasonably accomplished in my new field.

Family / Friends
Even though I’ve moved across the country, little has changed with regards to family matters. This year has been more of the same as it’s been in the last three years. However, I suppose we’ve started to speak more often than when I first moved out in 2004. I regret not flying home for the holidays, but I’ll be able to make up for in the coming year. My father’s been slowly working more and more, which I believe has done wonders for his confidence. My brother’s stuck with college, and is well on his way towards his two-year degree and further aspirations.

Friendships have just been a little strange. While I appreciate the many unique people who’ve been a part of last year, it’s also taught me how temporary and quick friendships can change. People enter and depart suddenly, or without warning turn on you. Some prove to be false, while others surprisingly loyal. There are yet others who are just complicated, or downright “weird,” but nonetheless significant and valuable. Attachment also continues to introduce vulnerability and awkwardness, because one never knows when those they come to rely on will stick around ¬ or perhaps come to rely on them a little too easily, or not easily enough, or possibly even become too attached to you. This year has largely been transition in this respect, but given everything else that’s happened in the last twelve months, little else would have been appropriate.

Interests and Hobbies
This portion of my life has been largely deferred this year. I’ve had my share of socialising, but this has only been rewarding when good company is present. It’s demonstrated the importance of having interests and hobbies that are satisfied somehow, whether they’re met from school or work ¬or must come from the external world.

Instead of joining a general community poised for meeting people online to socialise offline, it’s been more effective to just seek out people who’re into the things you’re interested. At least in this stage of life, I’ve failed to create a tightly-woven network of friends. While it’s always good to have a list of people with whom to dine and drink, I’ve branched into discovering that board games are alive and well. The most significant new game I’ve learned this year was Settlers of Catan, which despite a name that made me feel apprehensive to approach it, turned out to be very addicting. Turns out, I hooked Sami, too.

I’ve been trying to read more, and perhaps I’ll extend the logic to find a local book club – preferably one that caters to people in their 20s and 30s. Seeing as this is Manhattan, that shouldn’t be terribly hard to find. (Oops, did I just venture making a New Year’s Resolution?) Knowing a few more artists and musicians would be nice, too. Maybe a theatre geek or two wouldn’t hurt.

Relationships
This year was the first which undeniably was spent in a solidly committed relationship. While the beginning still involved working through a long-distance relationship, the barrier was resolved this summer. As expected, it’s involved many adjustments, and it’s become quite difficult to balance seeking togetherness with time alone. I’m thrilled not having to worry like in many years past whether or not somebody actually cares or would be willing to be involved romantically – instead, it’s been quite the opposite. Now it’s about how to make a relationship work, with all of its trials and tribulations, to where we don’t end up becoming angry at each other as a result of being “too close.” In core values, the two of us have almost never had a disagreement – however, in terms of personalities, our differences create a strain on our ability to relate to each other which definitely requires some more work. It’s a loving relationship, and I really want everything to work out, and I’m truly fortunate to have someone like Sami in my life. The trick is trying to work on smoothing out some of the rough edges to make sure more of our time together is harmonious.

Finances
These have been the bane of my existence this year. Granted, finally being in the position to have gainful full-time employment has tipped the scales in my favour, I haven’t really enjoyed any feeling of prosperity. In fact, the aftermath of sub-prime mortgages have really hurt the interest rates attached on many large credit card balances, so I’ve been struggling to repay every cent I can part with towards them. The situation’s made it hard to feel happy or comfortable, even though I’ve been sticking to a strict and effective plan. It’s stood in the way of making my apartment feel like a home, or really been enjoying much of the City life. However, when it boils down to it, the hottest job markets for people with my skills are either in San Francisco or New York, and my new career is definitely Manhattan-centric. While sometimes I feel jealous when friends believe their rents are outrageous, when they’re usually about half of what I pay, it would be much more difficult to settle down in an area with a lower cost of living.

Even though I know I’m being “responsible,” responsible isn’t a whole lot of fun… especially for somebody my age. However, I should feel very lucky to have the opportunities I have, since many people who couldn’t rely on their families to support them through college end up in far worse positions. It’s just going to take a while to feel “in control” and see positive changes.

Health
Fortunately, 2007 was a fairly healthy year. I discovered that Allegra was actually effective in controlling my mild pet allergies, which would sometimes cause problems with I visit people’s houses (including travelling home) with cats. I discovered there are simply some cats I’m more allergic to than others – even when they live in the same house! The two extremes were demonstrated by Eileen’s cats – Bailey and Special K. I have never been more allergic to a cat than Bailey, and despite living with her for over six months, I relied on Benadryl to avoid asthma attacks. However, Bailey eventually moved out, and I was left with only Special K, and I never once had a problem living with her. Special K could sleep in my arms in bed, and I could breathe easily.

Otherwise, there’s nothing newsworthy to report.

Spirituality
Prior to living in New York, I was involved in Berkeley’s meditation groups. The constant supply of educated hippies created a wonderfully accepting environment that I’m sure greatly improved my quality of life. I haven’t found any particular “path” to spiritual enlightenment, although I’ve found that it’ll probably involved meditation and improving intuitive capacities. It probably also centres around being a part of a living community. I meditated regularly and attended classes, exposing me to several Eastern, Middle Eastern, and Western spiritual practices. One, over another, didn’t seem to call out to me, although everyone emphasised that virtually any path leads to the same destination.

Since moving to New York, I haven’t continued with my meditation practice. At one point, I was adventurous to attend a group meditation, but it didn’t bring the results I expected. I’m not sure what to do about it. I enjoy the serenity that comes with meditation, and while it’s useful as an individual exercise, I would prefer to be around like-minded individuals – especially those who come from a similar background.

Post-Birthday Debriefing

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 05:43:27 GMT

It’s official that I’m now a quarter-century old, which I guess means to me that I’m no longer a kind, or really much of a “young adult” anymore. Like most birthdays, it just sort of crept up on me, and while I definitely had knowledge it was coming up, it didn’t seem like a big deal.

When the day arrived, it wasn’t as loathsome as I had anticipated. Work was pretty easy that day, and a few coworkers and I checked out an Indian food delivery place in the area – a first since starting there in July. Still, it was hilarious. Everyone completely forgot until I mentioned my plans for the evening.

Still, dinner was nice. The turnout was significantly smaller than even I expected, but there were a lot of last-minute cancellations. Still, the four of us there seemed to have a really good time, and I’m glad that the more reliable of my friends were able to make it. Part of me was a bit worried the way everyone might have gotten along if all who I invited actually showed up – and the place we chose for dinner typically doesn’t work well for large parties since they don’t like taking reservations.

If it were possible to overdose on chocolate, I think we all did that night at Max Brenner’s Chocolate By the Bald Man. Their food was really delicious, and their Italian Thick Hot Chocolate was scrumptious. Still, I think were shoving our dessert plates aside once we were through after the mass quantities of cocoa had conquered us. Sami’s father called during our meal, and in a surprise gesture offered to pick up the entire check. I was later informed of the significance of that, in saying that’s his way of saying that I’ve been “accepted” into the family.

If I were to do it all again, it would have worked out better had I planned everything a week or two before the actual event. I knew people are usually very busy during the holidays, and while there were some reasonable assurances many of the people would still be around, plans do change.

Still, I think there was a black cloud over the evening. A friend of mine, who I’ve known since high school, has proven yet again how unreliable they are. Perhaps we’re not terribly close, but this one person and I have reunited with each other after being estranged for long periods of time. She’s been a really unlikely constant in my life, but also has the unfortunate habit of consistently flaking at the last minute. She RSVP’d as a definite “yes” for my birthday dinner, but was completely unreachable for a few days prior. If it were the first or second time this happened during all these years, it wouldn’t be that large of deal, but how do you deal with friends who keep failing to show up without advance notice? I try to be understanding, but I’m really angry and disappointed over this. Since moving to New York, I’ve met many people who I didn’t know very well until about six months ago, but have been far more outgoing and reliable when it comes to being a part of my life. At least, I’d like to think I’m worth at least a phone call when it comes to somebody I’ve known for almost ten years. For the most part, I’m pretty forgiving about cancellations, but acknowledging birthdays is one of the few gestures I take rather seriously.

That aside, I was happy after the evening was over. The next day, I had a list of errands to accomplish, but then I was volunteered to accompany my girlfriend’s agency on the piano singing Christmas carols. The agency was also nearby a large Guitar Center, so I took a peak at some of their digital pianos. I’ve finally got it in my system how much I’ve been missing. Perhaps this is one of the occasions where my years of training have turned me into a snob, though. I sat down at a few Yamaha keyboards and played a CYP 213 and 223, I believe, and while they’ve arguably been the best digital pianos I’ve ever laid hands on, at best they were almost good enough. Sami thinks I’m being ridiculous, and another friend looked at me wryly when I listed my requirements, but I’ve reached a point in my development when I absolutely need a grand piano as a practice instrument. It has to do with the key’s action, because several of the pieces I’ve been learning to play – especially those by Franz Liszt, require they keyboard to articulate extremely rapid repetitions of a single note in such a way only a grand piano will suffice. Upright pianos, and most digital pianos, are simply incapable. It’s not a fun feeling when you realise that a $2,000 digital piano is so close, but not good enough.

Anyway, I did follow up that adventure. The good news is that I was able to find an electronic grand piano that was good enough. The not-so-wonderful news is that the only model that I deemed “playable” (well, “worth the investment”) was Yamaha’s top-of-the-line Clavinova CLP-280. It wasn’t a sound issue, since even the much cheaper lines produced outstanding sound. The deal-breaker, with the exception of this instrument, was they none of them had keys that performed like a real piano. Only this model comes with authentic wooden keys with the proper weight/balance. So while I’m absolutely elated that, in theory, a digital piano can match the true experience, the “proof of concept” model may easily cost $11,000. Perhaps if I weren’t so overburdened with debts, I could justify making that purchase, but right now I can’t no matter how much I may wish it were otherwise.

As I close out the year of 2007, while there have been many, many changes, I approach it rather bitter. There’s much I want out of the world, and I haven’t quite figured out a way to get it. Perhaps that’s the annoying thing – when desires are clear, it’s usually possible to come up with a plan to seek out them out, but when they’re built of diffuse resentment, it’s a flame that too easily fans itself.

However, there will be one positive thing about my life… as of tomorrow, Capital One will never profit another cent from me. May that company rot in Hell.

Pre-Birthday Blues

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 05:10:05 GMT

My birthday’s fast approaching, and as is pretty typical of the season, I feel really apathetic and apprehensive about it. I have no fear of getting older, but rather I almost never feel a cause for celebration. It’s just another day shoved in between many other festivities, so it seems really hard even feel riled up for the occasion.

While my parents are really good about making the distinction, it’s not easy to have a birthday so close to Christmas. Even if a person’s not Christian, it falls in that time of year where everybody takes off for winter vacations and travels elsewhere. It’s hard to gather the people who mean much to me anywhere for several weeks either direction. For that reason, I guess I’ve never been a huge fan of trying to plan parties – they’ve always turned out to be rather private affairs, and my party at the dinners out are generally pretty easy to accommodate without special reservations or a long wait.

I rarely feel grateful during this period. It’s been an established precedent that my current surroundings are less than ideal and I’d rather be elsewhere. Two out of the last three birthdays, I remember flying home out of the San Francisco area on the evening of the 21st, wherefore I greeted my parents and headed straight to bed… without dinner, birthday cake, or presents. This year I won’t be doing that, nor am I particularly longing to go home. Returning usually reminds me of how different I am from the rest of my family, and while they’re all really good people, I hardly feel at home there.

Last year, I was pretty impressed – although my actual birthday celebration, the first one that resembled anything like an actual party in my life – happened almost a week before the actual event. However, they also weren’t college students and were not really going to be travelling very far (it was I who had a winter itinerary).

The hardest question, however, is to pressured into answering “What do I want?” I haven’t been a real fan of presents in a long time. On one hand, I’m not a materialistic person, and on the other, the things that would truly help me out generally are outside of the budget of what anyone would reasonably afford. While there may be a few items in between, it’s been a really long time since I could emphatically say (even about big-ticket items), “I would really love this.” It applies to the immaterial world as well. I never know what I want – either I work very hard to bring those things into my life, or I’m absolutely oblivious to what would bring happiness in. For that reason, the last several years’ birthday wishes have always been along the lines of “I wish to be happy and content in life this year.” Nothing more, and nothing less.

I do have many blessings this year. Many exciting things have happened and mostly everything looks like it’s heading in a positive direction. I’m not far from some pretty good friends and Sami’s only across town this holiday, as opposed to across the continent. A few really special people have come through town the last couple of weeks, and that’s very touching. However, I still can’t shake the Bah Humbug feeling.

There’s the part of me that simply sees no point in celebrating my birthday, or Christmas, or really any other joyous holiday. This year, around this time, hasn’t been all that much different – I don’t see much of a point in celebrating myself.

On the bright side, I’m definitely not missing finals! ;)

Another Disease, Please...

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:09:49 GMT

Apparently people are a little miffed about a new ad campaign going around New York City dealing with mental illness, and it’s causing controversy from an unusual source. It’s been a while since I’ve been fearful of the social stigma attached to people who suffer from mental disorders; however, now it appears as the New York University’s Child Study Center is bringing fear and paranoia to a new level through its Ransom Note campaign.

They may be testing the market in New York, but perhaps it’ll make its way into a national ad campaign in the future, depending on its response. However, the New York Times reports that many of the people who are most outraged are the very people afflicted and their families of those living with mental illness.

Given a great deal of media attention, one doesn’t have to look very hard to find references to mental illness in everyday life. While the layperson may not be a qualified clinician, the influx and attention given to mental health over the last several decades have done much to reach out, perhaps too far, in educating people about worrisome symptoms. The NYU ad campaign raises the stakes with such shocking messages as:

We have your son. We will make sure he will no longer be able to care for himself or interact socially as long as he lives. This is only the beginning
-- Autism

We have taken your son. We have imprisoned him in a maze of darkness with no hope of ever getting out. Do nothing and see what happens
-- Depression

Imagine yourself having one of these diseases, and then coming across an ad such as these. “No hope of ever getting out?” That’s probably the last message that you want to send somebody with clinical depression. I’d feel pretty bummed out if I came across such a message, and only imagine if a person is the bleeding edge of suicide?

It just sustains a victim culture, where those who are affected either with the condition themselves, or their families and friends, must be gravely concerned about their well-being. As with many of the conditions in question, there is definitely a continuum, and those who are most severely affected are in the minority, and chances are they’re getting treatment. Perhaps the most insidious connotation is from their most “general” advertisement, stating “12 million kids are held hostage by a psychiatric disorder.” Personally, I associate “psychiatric disorders” with “psychiatric wards” – reserved for those who have completely lost their grip on reality and their ability to function. It’s hardly the association that makes me want to reach out to somebody affected with mental illness and act compassionately. It’s hard to feel warm and fuzzy for people when they juxtapose electroshock treatment, hospital gowns, and major tranquilizers.

On a less dramatic note, labeling something as a “psychiatric disorder” also lends to the belief that psychiatrists are the best people to talk to. The phrasing has large implications that the best doctor is somebody who will break out a prescription pad for a pill (or two, or ten…) seeing non-pharmacological treatment as secondary. However, everyone needs more drugs, apparently, especially with the slippery definitions of depression or Asperger’s.

While it may be one thing to look out for your family, or stand by a close friend going through extreme hardship, people can be very aversive when dealing with people that are already in an uncomfortable situation. The first instinct is to avoid the person for fear of being tangled up on in potentially unpleasant situation yourself. A diagnosis accelerates this process. For example, imagine you're on a dating website and you come across somebody who's otherwise ideal but openly admits to living with a mental illness? How likely are you, and your friends, be willing to appreciate that? (Don't worry, I understand many people, especially my friends, are pretty good about looking past these things.) Labeling something like depression as an incurable “maze of darkness” doesn’t sound inviting for otherwise uninvolved parties trying to make their acquaintance. For the rest of the world, the affected person has a condition that must be “cured" antecedent to acceptance, but once the diagnosis is made, suddenly that person is expected to carry that burden around for the rest of their life.

With many problems, especially depression, anxiety, and now more prominently conditions whose hallmark revolves around social impairment, the wrong kind of attention can do much damage. It doesn’t help a person become more comfortable with their own identity if they’re constantly “struggling” with a disease. Whether they’re caused by childhood trauma, an extreme disparity in intellect and hobbies, or a biological disorder, it offers a very narrow and limiting scope of what it means to be “normal.” Maybe some people have an extremely good reason to experience symptoms of mental illness which a pill or a weekly therapist visit won’t solve. People shouldn’t be unduly afraid of mental illness, unless it's the kind which poses a substantial risk of physical or emotional harm to another person.

Especially for the people who may have a mild form of a disease, it’s probably more important than aggressive treatment and medication that the rest of the community understands and appreciates individual difference outside of the context of disease. Not everything is meant to be brought under a medical model. Knowing that despite our individual struggles, it’s possible to face the world and tackle its challenges is a blessing, rather than worrying, “Might I have some horrible affliction that if I treated, my life would be better?” Perhaps so. Occasionally, people just have to realise they have better things to do than worry if their life may or may not be perfect and just get on with it. Perhaps it’s possible that people’s expectations of what a “normal” person can do are simply unrealistic and unattainable.

But most of all, there’s something not right about wondering what psychological disorder that you and everyone else around you might have. There’s only a problem if a person truly is struggling with functioning, and in some cases – it may be the environment, and not a disease, to blame. In many cases, the community can provide many opportunities to support people who may be living with mental illness without ever having to make a diagnosis. Remembering that compassion is a daily exercise, and learning to recognise when other people may be distressed and want to socialise – and how to effectively include people, can go a long way. Having closed, insular support groups can be very harmful and arguably go a long way towards being a major contributor behind the isolation of those with Asperger’s and depression.

If the success of the campaign is to get people to talk about mental illness, who knows how effective it is. Ostensibly it appears to be a promotion of getting people to a psychiatrist and receive medical treatment. If a person is functionally impaired to the point of a crisis, then perhaps the medical model has some pretty good answers. As of yet, though, many diseases remain very elusive, and while treatment options are available, it is one of the most inexact sciences out there. Most people do not fit cleanly into one diagnostic category, and it’s quite common for people to list off 3-4 (if not several more) mental conditions they’ve “discovered” by undergoing treatment. My abnormal psychology professor once pointed out that if we each look hard enough, almost every one of us can find signs of some mental disorder at one point in our lives or another.

Especially when considering pharmacological treatment, in spite of decades of advances, even “safe” drugs like SSRIs have significant side effects that can greatly reduce the quality of life. Especially for people who live with conditions that require them to take multiple medications, one needs to be very careful and realise that the medical and psychological community has much disagreement within its own ranks. Especially with newer medications, the supposedly safer alternatives, have not been on the market for very long, and their long-term effects remain largely unknown. A single neurotransmitter, like serotonin, plays many roles, and it’s going to take a while to understand the complex interactions it plays – and how that may relate to mental disorders.

It’s pathetic that the only way a university believes it can reach the masses is through “shock and awe” techniques. In a brief amount of news coverage from Fox 5 in New York, one of the commentators suggested that these tactics are simply “symbolic of the times.” That’s a pretty lousy excuse for justifying whether something’s acceptable. Just because newspapers and network television have been employing those tactics for years doesn’t mean that a university should stoop to that level.

It’s important to take mental health seriously, but there comes a point when people take it a little “too seriously.” The last thing anyone wants to do is to feel they’re “broken.” Worse yet, to have other people pointing their fingers at each other and believing that there are just some people who need to be “fixed.” Leave it up to the affected person to seek treatment on their own unless it becomes absolutely certain they cannot take care of themselves. Until then, assume they’re normal.